This is the second in my wakajugbe series, based on experiences I have while roaming Lagos like one looking for the perfect man. The first, Alhaji Wayne, you can read below.
Recently I tweeted (follow me @hapygypsy) about the bossness I felt "buying out the bike" i.e, telling the okada man I would pay double fare to be the only passenger. An old classmate from the private school I finished from replied "omg you still bike?". His mortification was amusing. In the same vein of faux pas, this is loosely based on experiences I've had while in the corner of one bus to not your business bus stop, Wakajugbe land .
The driver was caught in between his need for passengers and the "land use charge" he would have to pay to the hawk eyed policewoman should he linger. Thus, no sooner had my first foot left the ground had he pressed the accelerator. As I made my way to the corner in the back, my head clanged repeatedly against the roof of the cramped bus. Too used to the pain to complain, I was rather preoccupied by the loud noise it made, much suggestive of an empty barrel. We stopped at the next bus stop to pick more people and I silently bound any spirit that would bring a fat market woman, mother of 2 or more children, or Techno phone owner to seat beside me.
I thought my prayers had been answered when two average sized women and a man climbed in beside me. I texted my date to say I was on my way. He'd assumed I was in a cab and I wasn't going to let him call and find out the bitter truth. We were still in the forming phase. I'd just put my earphones into my ear in other to stare out the window and pretend the song was about me when I heard it. Like Techno and other chinco phones, his voice cut through the ill advised 100% percent volume of my phone.
First step: the religious carrot. From people like me who hyperventilate on 3rd mainland bridge to the more controlled, every one on some level was scared of accidents. Thus when someone cleared his throat to say "Let us pray" you gobbled the carrot as you shut your eyes and said amen.
Having done this, he becomes a pastor of sorts, compelling us to believe every word from his mouth. And for the doubting thomases he opens thus. " I greet you my people. My name is Ayvangelist, doctor, Kingsley of Kingsley trado medical clinic".
The I've-got-a-secret stage: This was the stage in which he enlightened us on how vital his product was to human survival . "I congratulate you all on being here today. Some of you have some problems that you cannot tell even those who are "cloze" to you. You see some people with their hands in their pocket, thinking they want to bring something out, but they are scratching their private parts." His face had all the graveness of one discussing world hunger. "As a man, you handle a woman, and as you climb her, you can't persevere. Oga, madam can never be happy with you. Weak erection, low sperm count, infertility, vaginal discharge, vaginal infections,bacteria, Staphylococus Aureus ". My phone was ringing, hot date was calling, I couldn't pick and let him hear; "All these are as a result of Staphylococcus Aureus. This Staphylococcus is a very deadly bacteria disease.....". In other words he'd just discovered the elixir to all evil.
Next was what I call "the holy grail phase" . He proceeded to explain to us why this new drug he was about to sell was in fact, the holy grail of all medical research. "My sisters and brothers, I doctor Kingsley trado- medical clinic, I am the one telling you today. "
At this point the man in front of me, who had been sending Dr Kingsley dirty looks all along stood up. Thank God I thought, someone to challenge all this crap he'd been feeding us. I'd always imagined doing it, but I'm by nature passive aggressive . My phone was ringing again, I hoped he would shut the guy up soon enough so I could answer my call.
Alas I was wrong, again. He cleared his throat and began. "I greet you all in this bus, I will soon drop at the next bus stop..." . It was then the reason for his glares became obvious. Dr Kingsley had been preventing him from selling market. How could I have entered a bus, with not one, but two of them!
I tried to tune off but with two voices now battling for my earspace, I still heard snatches.
"......my father, at the age of seventy is still marrying new wives..."
"...Oyinbo people actually said we should sell this 150, but for you people today...."
"...It is 100 naira, but if you have 200, you can take three sachets..."
" .....the reason some women have vaginal discharge us because their medulla oblongata is dirty...."
"...If you put this ring under the pillow when you mate your husband, it will be a boy..."
"....this one is for toothache, bodypain and heart pain "
"...this one you will take it when you feel something walking about inside your body..."
I gave up trying to answer my phone and waited till I got down. Then I took a cab to the actual place I was going. Just after I paid the cab man, a text message came in. It was Mr hot date . It read " I've been trying your number but you're not answering, I'm sorry I can't make it, something came up. I wanted to call to explain it to you ". My eyes narrowed and my irises turned red. My skin felt like the sun was inside me radiating outside. I looked down and my now #4,500 lighter wallet had been crushed into the size of a Spaghetti strand. My nostrils flared more with each breath. I looked down at my arms to see that they were thrice the normal size, and green, with veins straining against my skin. I took a step and the ground cracked beneath me. I didn't even see where I was going, all my eyes saw was the color red.