Monday, June 3, 2013
Dear Jet li
I recently read the results of a research by the NIH which was suppressed by the Pentagon. In a nutshell, this 5 million dollar research, conducted over a 3-year period actually proved that TV is actually addictive and worse; hypnotic , meaning it has a LOT more influence than we know.Thus my Ibo alter ego began to think……..nna dia moz be a wey to get som ego in oll dis. enjoy
‘Dear Jet li, we want our money back….’
Having written the first line of what would have been a very controversial missive, I paused to reflect. Should I direct my attack at him, or would his executive producers be in more of a position to give me my required financial compensation? After all they had the big bucks.
And rather than fight alone, shouldn’t I just wait for some sort of class action? So I can attach myself to some humanitarian lawyer who refuses to back down in the face of the big bullies and goes on to win the biggest class settlement in history; John Grisham style?
Now that I think of it, even though his now-you-see-me-on-the-ground-now-I’m-flying-through-you-to-the-roof antics are the reason for most of the injuries and fractures in children and some ‘special adults’, he wasn’t the only culprit.
So I revised my line:
‘Dear Jet li, Paloma and Diego, Superman and cohorts , etc, please refer to this list of your atrocities below. ’
You guys are the reasons why:
1 In jss2, I walked to the front of my class and proclaimed my love for the most popular boy in school, and had to run to the hostel with my hot face amidst everyone’s laughter. He laughed too.The humiliation is still stamped on my forehead.-Disney, Paloma and Diego.
2 I stood my ground when my mom caught me with a love letter from one of the neighbourhood riff-raffs. I was flogged like a tiff, and they never eventually saw him to be a good guy like in Spiderman- Spiderman, Paloma and Diego.
3 I confronted the bully in my hostel and did that move I had practiced for weeks. It turns out her stomach was a solid wall of fat and it was my own hand that hurt. The head butt I also tried is the reason why I now do fringe so much- Bruce lee, Jet li, Jackie Chan.
4 Much more recently, I walked out of my boyfriend’s house and slammed the door. I kept walking, and walking. And walking. He didn’t chase after me and kiss me angrily/passionately. I also discovered at the bus stop that I had no money. It was a long trek back. – Paloma, Disney, Superman.
5 All the times I ever needed something from a man, no one ever offered to help me without wanting something back. They wanted ‘everything’ and a profuse thank you. Bursting into song mid-sentence did nothing to distract my dad from flogging me.- Cinderella, Sound of music.
6 I could go on but I’d round up with these: Rapunzel you’re a liar, no one’s hair is that long, Beauty you cant spend all that money on packaging and fall in love with a beast, snow white no one is that nice, not even when they’re high, and Cinderella don’t tell me you couldn’t have poisoned ur stepsisters once.
Thus, dearest Jet li and Co, with these few points of mine, after reading this, I am confident you are aware I have an army of fellow enraged people who will take you down .However, if you are interested in an out of court settlement, your people can call my people. A few hundred million (dollars) is a good place to start from.
Ps to Superman: you owe me a little extra, I bought the damn T-shirts, didn’t fly.