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Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Bisi Swagchinzo

If this case were being judged in a court of Law, the only thing I would be guilty of would be going to the Library. Talk about disincentive from facing my studies. I even went out of my way to sit somewhere secluded. Away from the ‘bazillion’ friends I would have seen, me being yours truly. *conceited much*
Any ways there I am, undoubtedly the finest girl in that library that day (I mean, Megan Fox wasn’t in the room!! ) doing my work, earphones plugged into my ears and unplugging me away from the world. Vic.O is serenading me with so much soul that with the part of my brain that isn’t trying to figure out what the heck my biz iz with Christiane Amanpour , I’m thinking one day I should holla @ the bruvva.*wink
 He walks up to me. And at this point I wish as much as you do that the events I would recount from here on will lead to a Fairytale but dear ol’ me must have pissed off  her fairy godmother. I fully sensed him but Trust me, I didn’t look up, I wz “engrossed” in what I wz doing, I mean, if this turned out to be ‘him’ I would be able to say mommy didn’t make it easy for daddy. *futuristic much*
THEN I SENSED SOMETHING ELSE. CAUTION: The following material is not advisable for viewers witha good imagination especially those who are emotional, girls who have mascara or eyeliner on, as you might find yourself crying at the end of this, and not tears of joy.
Unknown entity: good afternoon sister. My eyes started to water immediately but not because they had seen the eyes they wanted to stare into while riding off into the sunset. It was atrocious. My mind was screaming: What’s good about the morning you just made bad? Brother how about a mint? Or a dozen? Then I thought like those people who washed your windows for free at Ikeja he’d just go away . Nope, instead he turned out to be like those Lebanese children at Ojodu that believed ‘no’ meant try harder.  So bros tried again “sister” There it was again. Tsunami had nothing on this wave of Olfactory unkindness. Now I’m thinking a dozen mints wouldn’t cut it, a mouth replacement would be more like it. Okay time to deal with this and let it go. After a series of successive pinches on my bruising skin I concluded I wasn’t going to wake up so I decide to brave it. Yup, I’m going in.                                                                            
Quick once-over: Unknown entity was wearing an under-sized shirt that had sequins in them and a pair of jeans I’m sure were distressed from being worn by him and not as the manufacturer’s design. Medium height smelly, smelly male, dark-skinned, teeth; brown with yellow highlights, eyes undeterminable color with black pupils, sores on fingers, dried mucus inside and around nostrils, fresh ones being drawn back intermediately, feet justifiable coz he had to have just walked out of a swamp. If I’d looked more closely I might have noticed the scabs, and skin lesions on his ear and the sweet smelly aroma it provided to the flies hovering around him, and now me.
Remember what I said about bad breath? Scratch that! Every part of him stunk. A lot. It was this unbathed smell mixed with sweat, mud, something suckawayish/,something like egg, something like spoilt vegetable {cabbage comes to mind},ewedu soup and fish and finally vanilla essence body spray. The good news about this is that depending on which side he turned to, I got different smell, hah! My own olfactory buffet! Scratch that  As a matter of fact I think I might have stumbled on something, because I swear it wasn’t only my nose that went through this ordeal. I smelled him with all my organs and then some. My eyes were watery, my ears tingled with each word he spoke, my pores were having an asthma attack, and my lips trembled at his odorous majesty. I’m the only one it strikes how if this were different, this description might be romantic? {puke twice}
I don’t mean to brag {actually do} but this is a private school not gbogborigbogbo international college of education. HOW ON EARTH DID HE GET PAST THE GATES? It’s a frigging espionage for us to go outside but free for nasal assassins to walk in. What an outrage? But then again I think, there probably is a group of HITEC security men knocked out at the gate as a result.
Smelly entity looks over his shoulder, yep, I’m definitely getting fish, egg and vanilla deodorant now and speaks:‘ Sister please I want to talk to you’ . My mind is screaming “I’M SORI! AM SORI! AM SORI! BUT WHAT DO I DO? SO YOU NEVER COME TO SPEAK WITH ME ANY MORE” “Sister please I want to talk to you” .At this point, I can’t even speak. However he must have taken my tear-stained face and frustrated grunt for approval.
“Sister…” the number of times he said that made me note to myself that if I got thru this alive, I would kiss my real brothers so much when I got home, they’d faint. “Atink your name is Bisi? ” [Pretty sure even if that had been my name in a past life, I wouldn’t have known him, but I persevered.] “Atink you are attending Apoztolic fate?”  Me: Awed silence. “Well my name is John, beht my friends call me Johnny swagger or Swagchinzo” . Till date, I refuse to read meaning into the reason why he was telling me what his friends call him.
“Can I af your nomba please? So that any time I like I can holla you a shat?” I’m of the distinct impression that “holla” &“chat” were in part of that sentence, where and what they were doing is a question for Queen Elizabeth. I’ve been told I have a very expressive face, I dunno what it is then that encouraged him and he thot he had gotten a punchline. He smiled. The horror!  “Da iz why you can af mai nomba too and holla me anytime so we can af some chat” yep, there was definitely garlic too somewhere in that mix coz now I was getting garlic, suckaway , soup, AND vanilla essence.
At this point my eyes were dilated and everything was surreal. I’m very sure I was defying gravity but I kept hearing the words “holla,anytime have a shat”
The next series of events are a blur to me, a part of me remembers walking out in a hurried daze, a part says I was rushed to the health centre, a part recollects me screaming like hell and making a run for it. However I’m sure I did not could not speak to him or anyone else for that matter for a while. From that point to an indeterminable point in time, I dunno what happened. I have no proof that this incident is real or isn’t.

The next lucid moment I’m sure of was been woken up by my roommate to go to class. I have never been happier to see Miss. Ada Sonia. And I hope, oh God how I hope, that it was all a nightmare, that the pinch marks on my body were in my sleep. 


  1. I was trying to come to terms with how an individual could smell so bad and still be deluded to have swagz. Alas, it was but a dream.
    Good effort again, Ireti! Pls be consistent with your post, say once in a week.
    God bless!

  2. I laughed so hard I cried. I've met a few unsavory characters but this takes the cake. Envy you, I do not. Lovely writing. I swear I could almost perceive the odours but on second thought, I'm happy my imagination didn't take it that far