C'EST FINIS!

Its been two weeks now and I could confidently write one of those hell is real books. I had been holding out hope that it would stop when we got back to Nigeria but it didn’t. Yesterday he wouldn’t let me go in the bathroom because she was in there; I’d had to use the visitor’s bathroom.  The panic had set in . I had been able to avoid everyone but very soon we would have to go to social functions. What do I do when he starts displaying in public? He kept on talking about forgiving me for what I did. What could he know?

Went to my place today to pick some things up. I drove there and opened the door. I hadn’t slept there since that night. I sat on my bed and thought of the nightmare my life had become. The man to whom I was married, who I was pregnant for,would not taste food I had cooked till a ghost checked the salt for him. Lola would giggle. I wasn’t sure how much she knew about what was happening.

I’d been crying all week, but here in the comfort of my home I wept. Not the photogenic tears-running-down-your face kind. The one where you scream and make strange noises and slam your fist into your mouth, not to silence yourself, but to distract yourself with a different pain. I’d been belting out the wails for an hour when my phone rang. It wasn’t a number I recognized. I picked. Dede.

“What do you want?" I hissed

“Are you okay, can I come in?” he answered

Fantastic.

The devil was at my door.
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This time I covered my face as she opened the door. Twice slapped, twice sharp.

"Leave me alone, what more do you want?"

She sounded funny. I dropped my hands to see she was crying. Had been for a while. Pretty face all swollen.

“Why are you still stalking me?”

“I need to talk to you, but first tell me what makes a married woman cry so hard when she should still be in the honey moon phase. You missed me?”

The look on her face shut me up.

“Lara, I know what I did was selfish. I saw you that day and I couldn’t picture you with anybody else. I knew you were gone, but it was like I needed to re-assure myself, that I even ever had. I don’t know what having sex was going to prove, but it was ….”

I trailed off and began again.

“I’m sorry for my selfishness, but I want nothing more in this moment, than to be there for you, to be you friend. Erm… speaking of friends, is Wendy coming?”

She cut me off.

“My husband is mad”

I didn’t quite understand.

“He's upset? He found out? Oh my God!”

“Mad Femi. He sees the ghost of his wife”

My throat dried up. "A-a-ass-as in the Yaba left type? ”

I suddenly felt cold. We boys had joked about things like this. Teasing each other, that the boyfriend of one the babes we chased would use juju on us. Chei na who send me come here o! She started telling me the stories.
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I sat there holding her, listening and trying not to look like a bitch ass. But oh boy, I felt the ice cold grip of fear on balls.  From here, I’m heading straight to my parents. My mama nor be MFM for notin. I wished this was just some prank. But she wouldn’t be crying this hard. And she had no idea I was going to come here.

“Calm down, it will be fine.”

The words sounded empty to even me. So I just held her till the sobbing stopped. Then she fell asleep.

What have I done?
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I woke disoriented with strange arms around me. Dede

“How long have I been out?”

“An hour”, he said.

“I have to go now”

He could see my reluctance. Not because I wanted to be with him, but because anywhere was better than where I was going.

“Lara, I’m not asking you to do anything rash, I’m not trying to be selfish. But I need you to know that I’m ready to do whatever I can. If you need a friend to talk to, a place to stay, whatever it is, I’m here.”

He meant it, and although I’ll never take him up on the offer, I was grateful. I drove home but couldn’t go in. After sitting in the car for about thirty minutes, I started the ignition again, and went to see my best friend.
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Wendy listened with increased anger.

“So something like this was happening to you and you’ll be sending me smiley on BBM.”

“I didn’t know what to do”

“You’re shooting your show tomorrow abi? You can’t sleep there tonight. Tell me what you need and I’ll go get it for you”

I couldn’t argue.

“What will you tell Femi?”

“Leave Femi to me”

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I heard the key turning in the lock. She was home.

“We’ve been expecting you”, I called out.

“Oh shut up Femi”. That wasn’t Lara.

Wendy came into the living room

“Taste the food for you? Really? You couldn’t even edit the line?”

I remembered Wendy was a Nollywood buff.

Game over.

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I had a peaceful sleep for once in a long time. I’d been asleep by the time Wendy got back and I left early for the studio the next morning. I had made up my mind I was going to come clean to Femi. And if he wanted to leave me for his ghost, fine. My guest today was Tonto Dike. The studio was filled to capacity.

“Good morning, my name is Lara Yusuf, and this is Lara’s lounge. We have a very controversial guest today, but before I bring her in, there’s something I’d like to say. As you all know, I got married recently….”

I heard Esey’s voice.

“What are you doing?” then sounds of a scuffle, and Femi’s voice in my head set.

“Don’t do it. I know already. There is no ghost. We’ll talk after the show.”

What the hell was going on? I wondered.

“Out loud I said, I just want to let my husband know that whether in heaven or hell. I’d still like to be there with him.” I smiled and continued.

Immediately after I was done, I rushed home where my husband told me everything. How he’d followed me home that day, seen a movie on Africa magic and decide to torment me with it. How disappointed he was that despite torturing me I didn’t come clean. How Wendy had recognized the lines he used from a movie last night. I told him how it was all a stupid mistake and we both cried. We were a long way from resolution, but ready for the journey.

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 ONE YEAR LATER

LARA

I am married to the sweetest man alive. Femi has been so supportive. I know he’s hurting, but it hasn’t made him any less of a husband. My baby girl is 6 months old now. She’s the cutest baby ever. Lola is obsessed with her. She can’t understand why we won’t let her carry ‘my baby’ as she calls her.

DEDE

I got a message from Lara today to meet at bottoms up. Little strange for her to be asking to meet up after all this while, at a bar no less. I had been here for an hour now. I wonder what this was all about. The dust had settled and we’d both moved on for good. I called her but it kept saying she was unavailable and I could leave a voice call.  Airtel. I finally did. “ Lara wassup? I’ve been waiting here for an hour now? Where are you?”

I finally got up to leave. I needed to pee first. I walked in to the urinal and began. I heard a muffled sound as something hit me. I felt oddly numb. Then I saw blood on the floor beneath me. I realized it was coming from my chest as I fell to the floor. I saw a guy from the bar standing above me, gun pointed at my head to finish what he’d started.

FEMI

Live with someone you get to know them pretty well. That included stuff like phone passwords. A text from Lara’s phone to Dede’s asking to meet; deleted immediately after sending of course, took care of intent.

Mobile banking passwords: three transfers from the account that was in my name but she operated, five hundred thousand naira, 1 million naira, then 1.5 million naira to Dede’s business account. She herself admitted on questioning that she was the one who operated the account and I didn’t know the password to it. She couldn’t even remember the transactions or so she said. The things a well motivated yahoo boy can do. That took care of motive; blackmail.

Dede was not found immediately so time of death couldn't be established. But somewhere after his voice call to Lara which was retrieved, there was a message draft in his text inbox to his mother, telling her that he was meeting Lara and didn't know what would happen after. Typed in by the assassin I paid of course, but then again, only saint Dede knew that. That, along with the fact that I was  obviously too dumbly in love with my wife to be capable of anything other than a Nollywood prank, well that took care of reasonable doubt. My lovely wife was sentenced to life in prison.

Looking forward to the rest of my life. We all know women are suckers for men who have 'been through so much'.

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