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Wednesday, December 18, 2013

To Whom It May And Mayn't Concern: My Open Letter.

If Nollywood can do it, so can I. Thus, since open letters are trending this season, short of doing something related to Mandela, as there's an over saturation of that, I present my open letter to all the people that have loved, wronged and dared to live on earth at the same time as me. 

1 NEPA : all through the year you have toyed with my emotions. I have cursed, abused and tried using the law of attraction to bring back the light. So it is my hope that with every reader of this letter a witness, you will see the error of your ways. In the event that this prayer is somehow answered and I'm given 24/7 light, I'd also like  for the sum of  103 million naira only, to be debited to my account. If you're going to make an unrealizable wish, might as well indulge. 

2 To the guys I have met this year: I will take the liberty of recapping what we already know.  That I am the total package, beautiful, intelligent and good in......the kitchen. However two captains cannot sail a ship. And this one has left shore since, in the hands of a capable sailor. Thus, I would appreciate if you refrain from telling me God will punish or judge me because I no do. To the ones who for fear of being friend zoned went from "hi" to "come spend a night at my place" in almost one breath, I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression, but rooms are only available in the friend zone district now. Feel free to check in or check front. 

3 To my baby, Dr Olukemi Oluwagbemi. You are not getting any younger. Pls get married now while I am still around to vet your options. Frankly, I am quite tired to having to chase away the rather unsatisfactory toasters. Also, any money lying around the house does not automatically belong to you, the same way your covetous sons have applied that rule to any food they see. A couple Hollandia yoghurt incidents come to mind. 

4 To Femi Fani Kayode and Dino Melaye: sirs, you are an inspiration. Nothing inspires the youth of today to rise up and fight the powers that be than the activism of those that used to be in such power. Dear Femoo, your classic " I was not a tribalist wen...."  letter is written in cursive on my bathroom mirror. If Stella only had your oratory prowess!  Oga Dino, your very apt description that included the statement " she said that she would give each side one breast to suck, and we are sucking it, we are sucking it very well"  is my mantra for peaceful coexistence : "nipples ahoy!"  .  Grease to both your totally clean elbows.  

5 To Chinua Achebe: I hate that I never met you, but unlike everyone else seems to be doing, I shall be consoled by reading your work  and improving mine, not directing venom at your mentee Chimamanda, as seems to be all the rave now. Rest in peace. 

6 To our thousands of dead brothers and sisters in the North: and I say this to include both the victims, and those so strongly faithful in their misguided beliefs that they were willing to kill and be killed. I hope you find peace. To the anserine ones who see this tragedy as a comical hot topic , including those who laughed at the "Oga at the top" scandal not even knowing why it was funny, more  bubbles to your brain. Just don't wonder why you were unfollowed. 

7  To Miley , Maheeda, and the Media :  Guess what? We know you're women. Do not feel the need to prove the fact to us without doubt. I can also authoritatively tell you that we ALL know what a naked woman looks like, thanks to  biology and shops  apparently without enough merchandise to cover the mannequins in their show glass. Thus this mission of education you have set on, is as unnecessary as it is chivalrous, but your country thanks you. To the media, make up your mind if you want to educate or eroticize the people with your news. 

8  To our artistes:  you sunglasses indoors  wearing, shiny lipped, ostentatious lot are the masterpieces of nature. Afterall you were given the talent that has now bloated you like helium balloons, or in the case of some, the talent to act like you're actually doing something. Please go ahead, I live for your faux pas, and the versatility you all apply to singing about money, cars, and women.  And to the  one who  looks a lot like a racoon who joined the "big leagues" this year, you're proof God loves the animals too, please go on being a diva. As for the one who climbed stage wielding his crotch sheathed in white briefs, I'm just happy we didn't provoke you to unleash the dragon. 

9 To the people I meet who inspire me, including the ones I haven't. Little people making big differences with little gestures. People who are brave enough to care in these times.  To the ones like us all over the world, however few, it's comforting to know we're not alone. To the few women out there who are being strong and independent without banging everyone upside the head with the soiled title of " feminist" and it's now skewed interpretations, you make me proud everyday. 

Rambling on would be taking the long suffering of my readers for granted, thus I finish. 


  1. Stumbled here by accident. Glad I did. This is the funniest thing I've read in a long while!

  2. Lucky Sailor !! Let us hope he keeps a true course !